Marriage: When it is a Battlefield

Laura was a good girl. Everyone she knew would say the same things about her, including her husband. “Laura is patient, kind, puts others first, home schools her kids, volunteers at church, is a loyal friend. She is beautiful, sweet and fun. She is a prayer warrior and knows the word of God.  She has a sense of healthy boundaries, can be trusted, and is not a gossip.”

     When she was younger and less mature she was a people pleaser, a rescuer and a bit codependent. In her teens, her dad had slaughtered her heart. It was then she started to hide the most vibrant and passionate part of her heart.  She tucked it deep into an inner chamber; it was hidden even to her. 

     Her first husband left her but she did find love again. In her second marriage she brought a son and a lot of baggage. Forrest was a sweet and gentle man AND had spicy Brazilian blood running through his veins.  She needed some safe spice and laughter. A few years into their marriage she got pregnant with her daughter. She was happy on the surface but something kept bleeding on the inside. She kept stuffing the pain of the past deeper into the inner chamber. Her passionate heart screamed as the pain dripped poison to her entrapped heart.  RELIEF is what she needed, something else spicy to satisfy her soul. Food.  She ate. She worked hard pleasing others, putting them first. She took the bland part of her heart and spiced it up with self- sacrifice, pleasantly nice gestures, topping if off with avoidance of confrontation and self-control.  AND she ate. AND she forgot who she was AND what she desired. She knew she must be the problem and she worked harder to make it better, to keep the peace.  She was a princess but she was lost in a chaotic dangerous land. “Hope” seemed lost until one day, her real prince appeared,  “Jesus”.  He spoke into her hidden heart. He gave her the courage to see the things she had abandoned into her inner chamber. He called her out from her hiding place. He SAW her and called her beautiful. He did for her what her husband was unable to do. He delivered her.  She was free to live passionately.  She trusted Christ. She got it. She fell in love with him.

     Forrest did not understand her new lover. Yet he was ok, as long as he was reaping the benefits.  She invited him to participate but he politely said, “No thanks”.  As months passed he found himself jealous of her new invisible lover. It started to cause problems in their marriage.  He did not understand her new passion to praise this Jesus at church. She was at church, serving, loving others, and spreading the good news. He visited her church and just did not get it? She sought out the book of life for answers and she found them. A Godly wife is to win over her husband’s heart without a word. She allowed God to call to him while she loved him quietly. God gave her a vision for his freedom and deliverance.

     Years went by and he started to visit the church more often. He got to know some of the people and he became an usher. Her dreams seemed to be coming true. They were getting along good. Oh there were issues that were not resolved but they were not earth shattering. 

You can imagine that Laura was in complete shock when Forrest came to her to ask her for a divorce. Yes there were some issues there but nothing that could not be worked out. The church paid for them to go to counseling. But after 2 sessions Forrest said politely I am not interested.  She did not think he was having an affair, just a midlife crisis.  

     She left home for weeks to give him space hoping he would miss her and chose her. She wanted to be secure; to be chosen and to be treated as a beautiful treasure but her heart was shattered. He said NO. “Love had been a Battlefield” for so long. Now it was over.

     I called Laura to check in and when I did she told me quickly, “We are getting a divorce.” I was a bit thrown, but I completely understood. I had been there. I had jumped off the edge of a cliff held only by God’s rope. Loving my husband when he turned into a frog and I had to choose to speak to the prince inside of him and believe in who he could become. But Laura had been doing that for years. She was laying her sword down. I completely understood why. That is why I could not dare to ask her to bleed any more. No, that was God’s job in his time.

     With much fear and trembling I will say the hardest of truths in these next few paragraphs. In these days and times when marriages are falling off fifty percent at a time and family’s are being torn apart we as Christians must be willing to stay in the fire and fight even when our spouses have gone insane. That is when they need us the most. But we must be lead by the Holy Spirit and not our self- protection and survival coping skills. Christian and non-Christian alike will cheer you on to divorce when your spouse “has gone crazy”.

     I felt Laura revert back into her “good girl” ways of self -protection. Again I will say I UNDERSTAND!!! But as one who has been in the desert, thirsting, bleeding, agonizing in pain, screaming I want DIVORCE. I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU GOD WHERE IT IS SAFE. Yet God would whisper you are safe but use what you have learned to stay in the battlefield of marriage.  I did listen…wait…learned…. loved and followed God while He showed us the way to the promise land. I know you are tired of eating dust and seeing no water, but true death is resorting back to your self -made survival skills. Have you stuffed your heart into the inner chamber yet…numb again?  Wait till “God” says it is over. If HE is for you then who can be against you…you spouse does not have that much power does he? The vision is deliverance of him too (God’s Job).

     Laura said, “I am getting a divorce”. She was putting on her good girl survival suit. She can chose to do that and let her marriage die in the desert. “He wants to get a divorce quickly so he can show there is distress in his pocket book and keep the house and be able to pay me child support. I have gone to find a small apartment for my kids and me. We will have to get rid of our dogs. I love my dogs. Last night I moved out of our bed. He said he missed cuddling with me. He has his own schedule. I don’t know where he goes. I just want to be with God.

     Something inside of me boiled Holy Ghost righteousness, I wanted to scream from my inner being. “WHAT? This is not time to be the good girl. In “love” tell him to get out of your bed and your house. Tell him it is his problem to pay the bills and work out all the problems he is causing. Tell him you do not want a divorce and let him feel the pain of his choices.” I think she would have responded, “I am tired and done. I can’t pay the bills.” But I kept quiet, because I know God will have to be the one to show her how to bleed for the sake of loving her husband who is insane. This is kingdom living. The seed has to die to live.

     If you are in a situation like this one, take it from me who has loved an insane man, who did not deserve to be forgiven…but I am the voice in the wilderness calling out to say this is the way to the promise land. Come join me here. The road is narrow but God walks with you creatively, every moment…every second.  Remember HE loves to raise the dead, show off, and bring others into the promise land through your sacrificial obedience. Your spouse needs you now more than ever. 

Melissa Clark