God is bigger that Divorce, Dissappointment or Death

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, to sleep or run a marathon. My emotions and energy are at two places at once. My spirit is ready to get back to joy and continue on my path of purpose. My flesh is still processing the death of my dad. I realize balance and perfect timing are my friends today. I have spent the last 30 days getting up early and spending time with the Lord and praying in the spirit through out the day. Five days ago life got in the way of my "spirtual routine". In reality it was death that came knocking on my door.

I found myself in my pastor's office telling him with tears in my eyes, I do not want to cry over this man anymore. He just looked at me smiled and spoke, "You being the professional counselor, know you have to grieve." I kind of laughed and said, "I know but I don't want to. You don't understand. Over my life I have cried enough tears over him for three deaths. One of those deaths was when he left me and my mom at the age of 7. But divorce is not like death, because the person is still there yet in my case not there. It is rejection pilled upon rejection everytime he did not take the time for me. The second death I grieved through therapy. I had to accept dad was never going to be the dad I so desperately needed.

LOVE was not the problem between us. We loved each other very much. It was other complications that got into the way. He had a new wife and a son. He was born in the 30's and divorced in the mid 6o's. He was on the cutting edge of that era and no books had been written about how to "do" the blended family thing. I just got left behind. It is like I spend a life time asking him to be in my life. He did not fit into my life and I did not fit into his. The chasm was too wide and the love on his part in my opinion was not strong enough. I felt like I was always the one calling him and working on our relationship. He did honor me and tell me how much he loved me. I believed him when he told me how special I was to him. I did appreciate the words. Yet words without actions fall very short .

He made me feel like I was not worth "fighting for". This theme bleed like a sickness into my life. I wanted him to fight for me. He never really did. I had to learn to accept what he was willing to give, a phone call every now and then sprinkled with sweet words that blessed me. I thought when my kids came along that would surely pull him towards us. My mom spoke to him on her death bed telling him to please be the dad I needed since she was no longer going to be here for me. NOTHING changed.

The most fantastic thing happened through all this. God found me and he became my dad. I accepted him in my bedroom at the age of 12 after reading the book called Peace with God by Billy Graham. Since then I have experienced such an intimate relationship with Jesus, Father God, and the Holy spirit. The love of God has more than made up for losing my dad.

In my thirty's my tears started to flow again in grief of my dad. It happened on a weekly basis. Here I was an adult and still crying over my dad. DIVORCE DOES HURTS THE KIDS! I was in leadership at a small yet intimate growing church. This one particular Sunday the supernatural power of God poured into our church. God personally touched me and I found myself lying at the alter crying. That may sound weird to some of you, but it was happening to most of the people there. It was not the norm, it was GOD.

As God's hand was upon me I started to cry and could not stop. It was coming from the debth of my soul. I lay there sobbing. I was clueless as to what I was crying about. In my spirit, I heard God say,"I doing spiritual surgery on you. I am bleeding all the pain and hurt you have felt from your dad. I am releasing it all from your soul." God reminded me that He, God, was my dad. He told me that He loved me and that He would never leave or forsake me. He had me remember all the times He was there for me. I don't remember how long I cried on the floor that day. God did not let go me until I had released a life time of pain, rejection and hurt. After that day with God, I NEVER felt that deep anguishing dad pain again. I was completely healed. I never cried over the loss again.

The day my dad died I was happy for him. He had Alzheimer's and was released from a 78 year old body. I knew he had asked Jesus into his heart years ago. I knew death was not the end but a new beginning. I knew he was out of pain and going to heaven to start his eternity with God and his family members who went before him.

I cried in my pastor's office due to the memory's of my wonderful dad. He was a great man and a treasure. But at his funeral I shed no tears. I felt no guilt. I just had no more tears to give and that was a good thing. I really did not go to say good by to my dad. I had done that years ago. I went to the funeral to reconnect with the family I had lost as a child. I found myself getting mad at my dad at his funeral. I saw my aunt Doris, uncles and cousins. Divorce not only stole my dad it stole a whole family from me. Even though I do not know this family very well it was funny how I loved them still. They are all so sweet and lovely in their own special way.

That brings me to the biggest blessing of all, short of God himself. My brother, Frank. Because of family junk my brother and I never got to know each other very well. I think it would please my dad very much that his son and I made a promise "to fight" for each other and make time to build a relationship with our families. Something dad could never do. This past week, I lost my dad, again, BUT I gained a brother, a sister-in -law, 2 of the cutest nephews and a precious 5 month old niece. That is a beautiful thing!

In Christ all things are made new. God can take any situation and turn it around for the good of those who love him.

I send my praises to God for he is good and his mercy endures forever.

Melissa Parker Clark
November 15th, 2010

Psalms 61: 10-12
Is it not you oh God who cast us off? And you God who did not go out with our armies? Give us help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, For it is He who shall tread down our enemies.

This psalm is an urgent prayer from king David for the restored favor of God. David seems to be fighting battles against his enemy's and does not see God helping him. He seems to be wondering where God's favor is over his battles. Over the past two years I have many opportunities to feel the same way. My battle has not been with an army but with the economy, kids problems, things breaking in my home, parents dying. My dad at this very moment is at death's door.

When life gets overwhelming and disappointing, I have two choices, I can get in my row boat or my sailboat. If I chose my row boat I am in control. I am the master of my own boat as I grab the oars and in my own strength start to cut into the surface of the deep. I know this journey well. I am "doing" something. I am moving. I am surviving. I am thinking, worrying, and reacting to my situation in fear. Working diligently, my only accomplishment, is sweat running from my brow, with sorrow and disappointment as my friends.

I left no room for God to work. I jumped off on my own agenda and find myself worn out from all the work and worry. At that moment I might be like David and ask God, "Is it not you who cast me off? Why did you not go out with me to fight my army?"

I can hear God's response, "I was not consulted. There was no room for me in your rowboat. Remember my gift to you is freedom to chose...."

At this point I remember, the sailboat. God created the wind that can show me the way to understanding. He can show me the way to go and give me strength through His wind to carry me there. I can relax and have peace on the way. "Through God we will do valiantly." The base of the word valiantly in Greek is HIKANOS. It means to arrive competent (as if coming in season), ample in amount and fit in character plus content, enough, good, great, large, long (while), many, meet, much, security, sore, sufficient, and worthy. I will take my freedom of choice and chose to be valiant!

In response to the word of God I will make changes in my life today by:

Stop: Trying to do things in my own strength
Do: Walk valiantly in God's ways.
Know: God is never against me.
Change: The choices I make to go forward in my own strength.

Mimwrite