You inner circle of counselors and friends

Christian people need to together for the purpose of strength and accountability, meeting together in small groups of 2 or more. Finding your support group is imperative. If you can’t find one then start one. If you are isolated, no matter what causes it, i.e. business, hurt, depression the list is endless; you are in a dangerous place.

Find those few people who you want in your inner circle. Blessed is the person who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. Who has your ear? Are they making God and his ways a priority in their life. We become like those we hang out with. God says if you want to be prosperous then delight in reading the word, meditate on in day and night. IF you do this you will yield much fruit, you will not dry up and you will prosper in WHATEVER YOU DO.

For a marriage moment comment: Focus for the wife, nothing can replace good girlfriends. Don't expect your husband to try and fill their shoes. Men while the wife is out with her girlfriends, you go get some "Man" time. Do all your grunting, farting, hunting, watching sports, get let you wild side out. When you feel fullfilled hanging with your "like kind" then go home and be what your mate needs. Men be loving and gentle and women honor, respect and adore your husband.

Melissa

Conditions of the heart

Psalm 28:7

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out into songs of thanksgiving.

When we can't trust the ones we love because they have betrayed or hurt us it is then we must trust the Lord, remembering that He alone is our strength. When we focus on God, and his word, we are in a safe place. When we feel safe we can keep our heart soft. When our heart is soft we can respond in Godly ways towards others. When our hearts are in fear they self protect and react in hurtful ways to those we are called to love. How is your heart doing today? Is it soft in faith responding in Godly love or hard in fear defending itself, and reacting in destructive ways?

Mimwrite

You had me at hello

This morning when I was doing my quiet time with the Lord I was reading Psalm 11. I read a psalm every day that is in line with the day's date. Ever watch the movie with Tom Cruise, it is called Jerry M something? It is where Tom is a sports recruiter and he has broken up with is wife, and he comes back to her and she is sitting in the middle of a divorce group and he busts into the door? He says, "Hello sorry to interrupt but I have to talk to my wife" and in front of all those ladies he spills his guts over how he knows he needs and wants her in his life. After he finishes, he looks for her response and she says , "You had me at hello". That is how I felt this morning after reading the first line of psalm 11. It says, "In the Lord I put my trust." God had me at "Hello", with the first line of psalm 11 on 11-11-11. .

I got some bad news yesterday, I have a lump on my breast and they have to operate. BUT I put my trust in my God who is able to do miracles. No matter what you are going through today or in this season of your life. Meet God at hello and put your trust in him. He will prove to be faithful!

Blessings,

Melissa

Staying safe and forgiving too

The people who are the closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most. When that occurs hopefully the guilty partner asks for forgiveness. We are instructed by a loving God to forgive. We are to turn the other cheek. This can get CONFUSING when we still feel like we can be hurt in the same way again. Does forgiveness mean we are to set ourselves up for more abuse? NO.

How do you stay safe and still forgive? We must set boundaries. Someone can say they are sorry, but we are unsure if true repentance will occur. We always hope and believe the best. But we need to be wise.

Many people make the mistake of intrupting God's law of sowing and reaping. The law of sowing and reaping states: We are personally responsible for our own actions and consequences of those actions. If one sows good things like: patience, understanding, and love we will reap healthy relationships. IF one sows revenge, manipulation, dishonesty, selfishness and the such their relationships will be ones of destruction.

The question is how can one forgive if they are in a relationship with someone who is on the destructive track? Most of the time people are clue less on how to let the law of sowing and reaping have it's good work.

First confronting an irresponsible or destructive person does not work to end the behavior. Have you ever heard the statement, "I have talked to them till I am blue in the face?" Have you tried nagging, screaming, and threatening? How about ignoring it and hoping it will go away?

If you are a person who tends to be codependent or boundary-less then you will be someone who repeatedly rescues people from the consequences of their own irresponsibility or destructive behavior. You will not allow them to reap what THEY sow because you step in and reap the consequence for them.

Only consequences of someones behavior causes them enough pain to stop sowing bad seed and turn into a good sower. Note, you should set boundariesto protect yourself not to inflict punishment on others. Let the healthy boundaries and the natural consequences do the work as God intended.

Sometimes maneuvering through setting healthy boundaries is difficult. When you are too close to the Forrest to see the trees, seek help from a professional.

Promise: Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

I see people in person and do phone, facetime, and skype sessions. I Have clients in 4 states. Call me if I can. My personal cell is 321 277 1058.

Melissa

Are your Resting or Stressing?

Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my burden is light.

When I counsel with married couples I hear them say they are so tired.... weary and want to give up the fight. I know stress is the number one killer of the physical body but it is also a killer of marriages. If couples become too stressed and get tired of the fight they will quit.

Listen to what stress does to the body: The body automatically prepares for vigorous physical activity. It has an involuntary fight or flight response. Messages race from the hypothalamus and spread alarm to the nervous system, muscles tense, bold vessels constrict, 2 hormones are sent out from the pituitary gland to the thyroid and adrenal glands, the adrenal gland sends out 30 more hormones to nearly every organ in the body. This causes the pulse to shoot up, blood pressure to soar, stomach and intestines stop digesting, hearing and smell come more acute. Hundreds of other physical changes occur without even knowing it. (Lewis 2003)

Wow, In this scripture Jesus is not only trying to save your physical life but your marriage as well. Stop stressing and breathe, it is not work dieing for. Sometimes it is the simple things we can do to relieve our stress, like take a walk. However you find rest for your souls, remember you can lean on Jesus He is gentle and kind 24 /7.

Ref. Lewis, J.A. et al.; Community counseling (2003)

Melissa

Does God want us to be happy?

Proverbs 16:20 He who heeds the word wisely will find good, And whoever trusts in the Lord, HAPPY is he.

I recently went to celebrate a friends birthday and I gave her a card that said, "God wants you to be Happy." I was not trying to make a theological statement. It was just a cute card I found at the dollar store. Another friend who knows the word of God very well made a comment after the card was read. She said, "I do not agree that God wants us to be happy."

IF God is our loving father, why wouldn't he want us to be happy? It does not make sense. I have kids and my desire is for them to be happy. Yet as a parent, I know there will be times when my kids will be far from happy, due to the hardships in life.

During hard times we have to make the right choices. The word of God helps steer us away from what might "feel good", in the moment, i.e. make us "happy" to doing the right thing even though it is hard and will be a sacrifice to our self.

There have been many times in my marriage I was very unhappy. I wanted to quit so I could stop suffering and have "happiness." God's word seered me to continue doing the hard thing. I chose to stay in the marriage and sacrifice my "happiness". Yet when we heed to God's word and trust him we will be happy.

God's desire is for us to have the best. He does not want us to use the excuse of being happy to give up our marriage.

If we endure we will find the true riches of life that not only bring happiness but pure joy unspeakable. I am so glad I followed God. I made the hard decison to stay in my marriage. I got more that I could have dreamed.

I am blessed. I chose to be happy. I know this is God's will for me.

Mimwrite

Escalating and Forgivness

Isaiah 1:18 "Come now and let us reason together." Says the Lord, though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, They shall be as wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; But if you refuse and rebel, You shall be devoured by the sword; For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

I was counseling a married couple last night and explaining about how to "fight fair". We were talking about the damage that can be done when a conversation escalates (see my page on escalation). I was helping them see all the ways they could prevent exculation.

Not 15 minutes after they left, my daughter was caught doing something, AGAIN, that she had done in the past and just gotten in trouble over. I was livid. My emotions escalated. One thing lead to another and before I knew it my whole family was starting to escalate. Who was escalating the most, yes you guessed it, the counselor, ME.

I did finally incorporate some of my "own" techniques and we ended up going to bed in a peaceful way. The point is we are all human. We are all capable of doing the wrong thing even when we should know better. When we realize this about ourselves we should firstly give ourselves grace.

Beating your self up with the "I should have's" will lead you down the path to self condemnation, guilt and shame. These feelings only lead your to destruction. First forgive yourself and then go straight to God and confess your wrong attitude and or behavior. If you do this He will forgive you. Lastly go to the one you wronged and with a soft and gentle heart ask for forgiveness.

If the problem still needs to be worked out then do it when your emotions are not flaming. Remember just because you are at a place to ask for forgiveness, you spouse may not be ready to admit their wrong. Do not admit it for them. Work to understand where they are and give them space to see how they may need to ask for forgiveness too.

Mimwrite

A Secret to forgiving your spouse after an affair

You can forgive anyone for anything. Forgiving does not mean that the offender can have full access to your life. When someone has committed an affair and is forgiven it does not mean they have full rights back into their spouses life. This post is NOT addressing trust issues or suggesting their should be no healthy boundaries put in place. These issues and an establishment that true repentance on the offender's part is real and guidelines should set up for restoration of themselves and their marriage IS NOT TO BE OVERLOOKED. Here, I am talking about matters of the heart and attitude.

After my husband did repent of his affair and we had set our healthy boundaries for safety and healing, many people did not understand how I could have forgiven him. I remember one man who sat with me at church and looking perplexed asked me, "How did you forgive him?" His implication was more a "Why" did you for give him. He was viewing our situation as my husband being the worst slim ball he had ever met. It only took me a second to respond.

God had made his point to me on this particular matter quite clear. It took a long time for God's message to fully penetrate my heart. I understood it in my head, but until something reaches your heart the full impact of the revelation will not be able to explode into your world and start to change you and your situation.

My response to this man was, given with a smile and a bit of a chuckle, "You have never lived with me, you have no idea of my sins." The man looked perplexed. Simply put I explained to the man that I too was a sinner and God has forgiven me of my sin. I do realise that an affair has much more drastic consequences on a marriage than many other sins. That was not my point. My point was a matter of the heart. My attitude of forgiveness.

I forgive because I have been forgiven. I have committed murder in my heart towards my husband. Thank God I did not act on on it.... Yet I do understand too fully how evil my heart and actions can be. My life verse is a simple one it is found in Psalms 16:2, "O my soul, you have said to the Lord, You are my Lord, MY GOODNESS IS NOTHING APART FROM YOU."

There is nothing good in me but God. If God has forgiven me, I will follow his command for me to forgive others.

Mimwrite